8 years later...feels like yesterday

So this is my first entry, in my first blog. I don't even know if that is the right way of saying it correctly! But basically, over the years since being diagnosed, I find the best therapy for me is writing things down. So why not a personal journal you ask? I find it therapeutic to share my experiences in hopes it can help others in similar situations. So here it is...A blog... Bare with me....

Certain dates, events, tv shows, or even people, can cause memories to flood back to me. Today's reason is it being the 8 year anniversary of finding that G D mass in my chest. It's one of those memories that I can recall every detail, from what time everything happened, to who I talked to, to what I ate that day. I guess my brain knew before I did that it would be an important day in my life.

That morning I sent a text to a classmate saying something along the lines of "get me the notes from the 9 am class, I'm heading to the doctor, I'll meet up with you at our 1 pm class".....I never dreamt I could be down there longer than lunch time. But long and behold this doctor was ACTUALLY going to do a full examine AND order tests (the last 4 did nothing of the sort), so regardless of outcome, it had potential to be a long day.

Around 8:30 am, after seeing the doctor, myself and my sister Karla headed down to the lab to get blood work done. After getting there and seeing the excessive amount of people we turned and headed to radiology for my chest x-ray. There I had my first unpleasant encounter of the day. After changing into a johnny coat that was 10 sizes too big and being put into two different positions for the x-ray, the technician leans out from her protective shield and says "stay like that and deep breath in". Besides for her unsettling look to worry me, my concern and thoughts were more around the lines of "certainly, have me hold this position with my arms over my head, and my boob about a cm away from swinging out this large gap of an arm hole". She called out I was done and I walked off to change out of my tent. The way she was looking at me was my first cause of concern of the day.

After changing the technician told me to stay outside the door and wait for her. I thought this was odd but I found Karla and we waited for her to come out. As my sister is a nurse I asked her why I would be waiting and she joked that I probably had TB or something. If she was concerned at this point, she didn't lead on about it.

When the serious woman came out she told us that something showed in the x-ray and I had to go to CT to have an emergency cat scan. So I was to take my slip with stat written on it straight to the counter and I would be seen immediately. So at this point, alarms are going off in my head and thought of WTF is in my chest were now flooding me. Karla kept to her TB guess and still looked so calm. I don't think she ever knew how much of a comfort that was to me; meanwhile I'm sure she was out of her mind. Next thing I knew I had an IV block started in my hand and Karla is warning me I'll feel like I am peeing during the scan. So on with another johnny coat, arms up (boobs out), and I got to experience what was the first of many ct scans.

Once I was dressed and situated, Karla and I was shown to the emergency waiting room where we were told I would see someone shortly. This was now approx. 10:30 am. So we sat and listened to the tv with awful morning shows blaring for everyone to enjoy. Karla made numerous trips to the nurses station, outside to make phone calls to our mother who was 4 hours away, check in work, etc. At noon she said she would run over and grab us some lunch from the cafeteria. I texted my friend to let her know I would be missing the our 1pm class. We waited. We ate. Karla made more trips to the nurses station and made more phone calls. I had joked earlier that if we were still there at 4:30 we would get to watch 9.0.2.1.0 reruns that came on that network.....we ended up watching it. We saw every person who came into emerge after us get seen by a doctor and leave...twice. I made another joke that whatever my scan showed had the doctors puzzled and they were assembling a team to figure it out....foreshadowing much? Karla checks the nurses station again and I'm finally called in.

Approximately 6 pm I sit in a doctors room up on the table. A resident with curly hair comes in and begins talking casually to us. So casually in fact when the words "a mass measuring at 13 cm x 9 cm" was almost missed by us. But when she looked up and saw our faces she asked if the attending doctor was in and read this with us. If I wasn't so in shock I'm sure I would of said "does it look like we've heard this before", but instead I only responded with asking what was a mass. Her horrified look, now that she knew we were only hearing this for the first time, she responded with the word tumor. I remembering asking a tumor, but it couldn't be cancer; I was 21 years old. That doesn't happen to 21 year olds and I'm not sick! From there she went out to use words of biopsy, admitting me, and so on. This is where things are fuzzy in my mind because I was now hysterical and sobbing. She left the room where Karla and I hugged and cried and I told her I didn't want to die. I remember her saying I wouldn't but it was the first time all day I saw her look upset and I wasn't sure if I believed her.

Once I "settled" enough, I left that room to use the washroom and Karla left to makes a million of phone calls. I remember looking in the mirror and thinking I most likely have cancer, and how unnatural the words felt. I returned to the room where Karla informed me my boyfriend (Lee) was on his way and that mom was leaving Bishop's to drive out. My immediate concern there was mom driving in the dark and the moose (it's great to live in NL), but regardless she was leaving then. We sat and cried more. A doctor came to inform me I would have to be admitted and I look at her as if she was nuts. There was no way I could stay there....I had an observation day for school on Friday. You have to be near death to miss one of those and not be penalized...oh... wait. Somehow Karla convinced them that we would return the next day to be admitted so that I could go home tonight and put together some things (it's good to have a nurse in the family...life saving actually). Lee arrived and the tears start all over again with the three of us. That probably hurt the worst. I'm not one to see men cry. But somewhere between all the tears, a nurse came and drew blood, and we made arrangements for someone in admitting to call me the next day so I could be admitted and a biopsy of the mass could be done. My hour long trip to the doctor finally ended after 13 hours.

I don't remember walking out of the hospital, just Lee and I walking across the parking lot to my car (Karla and I had drove separately as she was suppose to go to work and me to school). As we walked he told me everything would be ok. It was the first time I didn't know if I could believe the words out of his mouth. All I knew was that life was about to become very different.


So this is what has been going through my mind on repeat the last few days. Getting it down in words brought back many feelings, had me shed a few tears, but now that it's down I feel better. All my posts probably won't be as detailed but I thought the day my world change was a good place to start! Thanks for reading! :)

-K