8th Birthday

With today's post, I decided to not continue with the telling of my cancer story. Instead I'm going to write about the significance of today. So I guess I should warn with a *spoiler alert* to my story, but today is the anniversary of being told that I was cancer free. 8 years ago today, I sat in a doctor's office and they told me that there was no active cancer in my body.  It is very hard to put into words what that moment was like. Much like when I was told I had cancer, being told it was gone had that same non-sinking in feeling. It took a few moments for me to actually process what she had said. Eventually, every emotion spilled out through tears. The months of holding them in, all spilled out in that moment. Relief, gratitude, happiness, joy, bliss....too many emotions to process so I resorted to just sobbing. Ever since I had been diagnosed, I felt like I was wearing a weighted vest that was constantly hauling me down but instantly it felt like it had been lifted. It was like I could finally take a full, deep breath and not have worries, doubts, or fears nagging me. It was the most powerful moment I have ever experienced---it was like being given a new birthday.

Now, 8 years later, I still feel just as grateful as I did that day. I also have many thoughts and feelings that aren't so enjoyable. For any cancer patient, all they want is to be given back their life and to be cancer free; I was lucky and got that. Now, I am greedy. All I want now is for everyone who is faced with cancer to get to have their moment and be told it is gone. It is something that no one should be denied and I have a lot of trouble accepting that some people don't. Survivor's guilt is an awful thing. It is something I deal with every day but it's always more evident to me around my "birthday". I'm sure many people will read this and think "boo hoo, you've been given a second chance at life; how awful for you". Obviously I remain full of gratitude over that fact, but it doesn't help ease my guilt. People have said to me that I shouldn't feel that way, or that I need to stop feeling like it but essentially it is the same as someone hitting me with a bat and telling me to stop feeling pain. I have no more control over feeling this guilt than I do at controlling any other feelings I have. 

I can remember when I was doing treatments, seeing an article online about depression after cancer. I remember saying "what the hell do they have to be depressed about? I should be more depressed then them, I currently have cancer and they don't". I vowed I would't be a person who got depressed if I was lucky enough to become cancer free. But like survivors guilt, depression isn't something you can control. I don't know if I can say I have ever been full blown depressed. I more so think, I actually took the time to assess and think of everything I had been through once it was over and many a time I would come up with the "Holy shit! I've been through something bigger than myself" kind of thoughts. It wasn't until after cancer, that I really dealt with my thoughts and emotions about it all. It is something I continue to do today.

Talking (or in this case, writing) is what I find the best in dealing with these not so pleasant thoughts and feelings. Support groups were never told to me during cancer, and then after when I felt like I could use someone to talk to, I felt like I wasn't the target audience anymore as I no longer had cancer. I felt like I was passed over in that sense, but I did find some great groups online that had many people like myself. People with cancer, survivors, and family members of people with cancer all sharing thoughts, concerns, and experiences. They were and continue to be very helpful. It was just this week that one of the groups posted this image This image received 692 likes and had 186 comments about people's own experiences with it. It is nice to know that I am not alone and that there are others  that relate to it. 

The intent of this post is simply to help people understand what survivors guilt is and that it is something out of my control. I am still celebrating today, and enjoying it to the fullest. I remain thankful and grateful for every single day. I am just raising awareness of this issue and hoping that someone who may also feel like this will know they are not alone. As always, my main goal is to help spread awareness in hopes more people will get to experience their own new birthday as well. 

Once again, thank you for reading my blog! I fully appreciate people reading and sharing it! Next post, I will continue on with my story. For now, I eat cake :) 

-K